On Edge

To say that I’ve been on edge for a week, is a bit of an understatement. Several months ago, I read an article on PCOS. Surprisingly, a lot of the symptoms sounded very familiar. But I just put it to the back of my mind, remembering just how much doctors must hate WebMD. But still…the fact that so much of it sounded familiar to me…

Last week I had my lovely, yearly, lady doctor appointment. I voiced my concerns, and to my surprise, she didn’t brush them off as internet informed none sense…but she actually agreed with me. We discussed my symptoms, insulin resistance, and treatments for PCOS, and she ordered fasting blood work to be done that weekend. She also recommended a great book to me called “Why We Get Fat”.

I spent the days before my blood test, and the days after thinking, what if it’s not my fault? What if it’s not that I’m not dedicated enough, or that I just haven’t tried hard enough? What if my body is working against me to make me fat? As I started to read this book, and read about all these studies where people have proven that the whole calories in/calories out, or eat less/move more theory is crap. That it’s really about genetics, and how some people are just destined to be fat, and others to be lean…but that there is a cause! Oh there’s always a cause…and that cause could very well be the high carb diet most Americans live off of. Bread, sugars, potatoes, rice, cereals, pasta….the overload of these foods in our diets is working against us. See, when you eat sugar or carbs, your body produces insulin. That insulin has the job of breaking down that sugar or carbs, and turning it into glucose, which then gets sent to your muscles to be burned as energy. Unless you’re insulin resistant…then your body takes those sugars and carbs, and stores then away as fat, and produces more insulin, and then does it all over again! In fact, as soon as you even so much as think about eating carbs, your body produces insulin. So thinking about fattening foods can make you fat? Great.

Yesterday I called my doctor, even though she said it would probably be Wednesday when all of the results came back. I got a call back saying that they got everything but the insulin results back…and they were all normal. This wasn’t what I wanted to hear. Because from what I’ve been reading….my insulin levels wouldn’t be the only thing out of whack. Hormone and glucose levels would be too….but apparently they’re normal.

I know what you’re probably thinking, why would you want something to be wrong with you? Why? Because I’ve given up. Because I’ve counted calories, kept food diaries, cut calories, measured food, cut portions, gone with “healthier” options, filled at least half my plate with veggies at every dinner. I’ve never been a big fast food person, I don’t drink soda, or juice, or tons of caramel lattes. I’ve walked, I’ve ran, I’ve swam, I’ve joined two gyms, I’ve zumba-ed, I’ve lifted weights, I’ve stair stepped, I’ve elliptical-ed, I’ve done PiYo. I have been actively trying for a year to lose weight. Do you know how much weight I’ve lost? Zero pounds. Not a single pound. I’ve fluctuated between the same two numbers on the scale the entire time…some days I’m even heavier than I’ve ever been. In fact, I’ve even gone up a size in jeans.

For all of my efforts, shouldn’t I have lost something over the last year? 20 pounds? 10 pounds? 5 pounds even? Nope. Why? What do I have to do to be normal? I’ve tried everything except not eating, and puking. It’s suppose to be easy right? Just eat less, and move more. And if you say you’re doing that, and you’re not losing weight…then you’re either lying, or not trying hard enough. Why did I even gain the weight to begin with? It’s not like I decided one day that I wanted to be fat, and started shoveling food in my mouth. It just happened. Over a year, I gained 100 pounds. Not 10 pounds, or 20 even…but 100 pounds. That’s 6th grader. I gained a 6th grader for no reason.

That feeling of defeat is terrible. To feel self conscious in your own presence as you stand naked in front of the mirror. When I eat with others, I wonder if they’re judging what’s on my plate, I wonder if they’re thinking “wow she should really eat only salad instead…maybe if she did that she’d lose some weight.” Or when I walk my dogs, if the people I pass by think it’s my first time off the couch in years. The crushing feeling of looking at your height and weight on a medical chart, and seeing the words Medically Obese above your stats. To have my primary care doctor tell me there’s medically no reason that I’m not losing weight, and that I just need to try harder.

Try harder? What does that even mean? That I should spend every minute of my free time working out, measuring food, counting calories? Because I’ve given this whole weight loss thing an honest effort, and it’s all been for nothing. So yes, I am hoping that there is something wrong with me. I am hoping that my test  comes back today with high insulin levels. And if it doesn’t….then I don’t know if I can try anymore. I know it’s not suppose to be easy, I know it’s a long, hard, path that I’m on. But a person can only take so much…I can only try and try so many times, only to step on the scale and see the same numbers glaring back at me. I have to see something, a smaller number on the scale, or jeans that are too loose, or a baggy shirt…something, anything to prove that my efforts aren’t for nothing.




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